I don't say I'm perfect... nobody's perfect so far

When lookin' back... into my short, but rather long life... I realise I'm pround ,pround of me... of what I accomplished... of what my purposes were...and how I could make them become real.

I don't miss the way I was... I only miss that sweet smile, rather illusion of innocence. When some words made my blush even if I was ...or seemed ... strong on my feets and believes. Maybe even my smile felt more sunny,warm and natural. I now realise how my lips became colder, they freezed out the emotions I once felt.And it's not how things should be, it's not what I wanted... it just happened, like so many things that happen without giving you the opportunity to change or slow down their action You become colder... indiferent,arogant. This days , for exemple, I realized I can't even draw a line between sarcasm and normal speakin'.

And it's NOT... it's Not that I'm missing myself !!!

I wish I could know ... at least..if I WOULD. Maybe ,down there,deeply in my soul, are still pieces of who I once was. But when you're nice...when you seem happy and joyfull , people seem to drag you down for their own satisfaction. Seriouslly now... this is how things go... people know you by fear... r they break you down... very clever and intellingent! O.o So, why not having fun of them, playing with their manipulative mind,laugh about the stupid things they say and the obviously reflection of their blank mind.

And I really like how I am now.... more colder... more arrogant... more sarcastic... but isn't this the way I should be? I did learned from my mistakes.. I guess I did... and i do think real friends will love me and care about me like they always did. I won't hurt them... words are no more than words. Look inside me ... deeply into my eyes, you will see... I'm still there... and I won't leave. I still have my sunny smile... and my innocent thoughts too... even if I'm pretending, 'cause I've learned easily you can play with human minds. I am here... like you saw me 5 years ago... maybe 7 ... some of you 3. 

I'm ME ... and the ME who was then ...                                

                                                              

"will always be,

  as long as I live ...  

  I learn ...  

 And I live ... 

FOREVER!" 

                                       (a quote from my favorite poem) 

And yes... soul ... the soul is FOREVER ... and I am pround of me... I've done my mistakes ... but I'm pround of them too. They are mines ... experiences that emphasize my life... I I've lived since now. Are my pages of diary... the diary I've never wrote... why? Because I was too busy living my life... the pages are not written down... but are here, in my mind , deeply graved into my soul, and I want them to be frozen there forever and never fade away. It's the only thing people can't know about me... they are all mines... nobody can see them ... nobody can feel them... and I shall die with them ... WITH THEM not alone, I'll be fortuned of experiences and happening and feelings , so many ...

>>don't stare so seriouslly , rather indignantly at the word "die" ... I'm not gonna suicide myself :)) I'll write a blog about this too when I'll have time , but for now it was the point  that soul is immortal so I can't accentuate this without mention this<<

Whoaw... *lookin' up at what I wrote* ... geezz , I guess I kept repeating "I'm pround" for a hundred times *lolz* [funny thing , how many of you think it's narcisism? I think the ones who don't know at least half of me]

Well no ... NO it's not narcisism , it's something more important... it's the selfrecovering. To feel okay in every moment, every situation , any conflict, to stop beeing paranoiac, to conquer that shyness that once suffocated you so harmfully... to feel YOU ... completely... 100% ...whole... and breat the life with all her bad and happy moments... smelling the adrenalin and let her flow into your veins, and wake up with the intoxicable ,but still exciting feeling that floods into your mind:

"The world is MINE...

I'm gonna conquer all...

I'll run on the highers of the hills

I'm gona rulle the world

And NOTHING can stop me

The fire within me gives me power

To fly so high ... higher I could ever imagine

On the cold winds of early winter

Far away in the sky

Where nothing can catch me

And nobody can see me

Getting lost of barriers of time

Dive into the fading shadows

And flow into the depths of the abyss

Into my fantasy day-dreams

I'm happier than I could ever be

Ans so happy ... I've never was before

And I don't need nothing and nobody to make me happy

'Cause I am ... I am ... I AM !!! 

And this eternity I'll keep down there, 

Into my running self-absorbtion

Stuken there like a powderd cloud 

On a mirroring cleany.. summer sky"

As an ending , I still think that people's soul needs strange happenings, hard moments and sometime feel like goin' "trough fire and water". I'd rather chose fussiness than monotony [even if I really ... but really really enjoy being alone , by myself , with my own thoughts and feelings]. But still , I would chose passing trough heavy trials, I somehow love competition , and love breakin' the barriers of physical limits and psihological hard trials. They somehow trigger me out ... and besides that ... didn't you realized the rolle of the stress? Didn't you notice how monotony gives you that bluff of running time faster with nothing new , nothing different ? Somehow , after moments like this ,even happyness seems boring... isn't it?

I strongly believe my life would have beel more poor without my sad moments in the place of the happy ones. Even the stupid people who made fun of my different way of seein' things ... people are scared of what is different and what they cannot understand. But this passed away ... I now see people thinking like me , believin' in what I did believe then ... and somehow I know I wasn't crazy ... I've never been and I'll never be. The quote "I'm not crazy , my reality is just different than yours" is so true ... but I'm very curious how many of the people who mention it know how it reallly feels to be in that position. To be afraid and scared of what's inside your head , to be dubious about your belief and thoughts. But it passed away ... it all passed away ... so now it's not so hard anymore ... I learned to pass every barrier alone ... alone ... me ,myself and I ... nobody else will now to protect me better than myself . And that's why I'm proud ... apart from the fact I've learned 6 languages before I was 10 years , besides of teh fact I was second placed champion at 14 years on the Romania on fencing, besides the fact I had to quit the water diving after 8 years because of an ears problem due to the water pression and my age [started at 6 years,not good move]... and of course I'm happy to say I consider myself open minded . 

But yes ... it's not so big deal, and I sometimes wonder how I would've been now... if my life was a fairy-tale. I'm sure my soul would have been stuck into my materialistic pack, with a very cute and sweet and innocent BLANK MIND. 

I'll end it now ... I'm getting sleeeeeeeeppy ... and 'morrow I've got so many things to do ... life's so wonderfull and exciting .. I'll live every day like it would have been the last one but still I'll make my  desitions clever. Bye for now... I'll come back with more , after a while, this was like an introduction ... to know what you deal with , so you run out of my page quickly :)) ... just jokin' ... have a nice day everyone ... and live your life like a teenager , cause souls don't get old , they are free ... and they are your's... forever!